Mindfulness

So I started doing Yoga a month ago and I am very pleasantly surprised at what it’s doing to me.

I have been resisting yoga for such a long time. My workouts always consist of jumping and hitting and sweating and setting my ass on fire. And I like that, or at least that’s how I program my brain.

Well, my fitness regiment is without a doubt addictive and empowering. And yoga, when I tried it a few years ago, simply pissed me off! I was frustrated and pissed off. Throughout the class I would mumble like a grumpy old man words and phrases that grumpy old men would probably blush to hear… I would basically curse the world and myself the whole time. Or simply felt bored and my thoughts drifted to other worlds where I’m hitting heavy bags or taking off on the elliptical (my friends claim I look like a plane taking off when I’m on that machine) Now, that doesn’t sound right…. I mean I considered myself strong, in shape and at times- omnipotent. And this yoga “thing” drove me crazy. I felt limited and I kept comparing myself with the people around me. My competitive nature blinded me throughout the experience and I would come out of class a beaten up crippled soul, doubting myself to a pulp. So I quit….

Recently it’s been suggested to me that I should give Yoga a second chance (will it even take me back after all the mean things I said...I wondered). This time I prepared myself, set up some goals, which did not include conquering asanas or even trying to. I decided to see what happens. And not be negative.

I was fortunate to have my first class with an amazing instructor. She started by asking us to set up one goal for the class and I decided it would be “to discover something new about myself”.

By the end of the class I achieved the goal, and then some…

I found out that yoga can be an amazing source of balance and solace for me. That was such a powerful discovery.

I didn’t treat the asanas as “things” that I must perfect, I didn’t look around, I just did what I could, focused on breathing and relaxed into the postures. One of my great discoveries was how balancing postures, like bending or pulling to one side and then – the other side, can balance my inside. It felt like my soul is getting a workout. Negative thoughts, being hard on myself, harsh self judgment, all that managed to dissolve. I don’t even know exactly how it happened, but I came out of that class feeling empowered, taller, peaceful and confident, in a way that my fiery workouts have not supplied.

It’s been a month now. I am continuing my burning regiment as before, but I’ve added twice a week of soul time. Yoga has become a form of therapy, teaching me softness, acceptance, inner strength, forgiveness ( forgiving myself for settling into child pose once in a while, resting instead of forcing myself to do an asana that is too difficult for me), balance, letting go and overall peace. It constantly challenges me, and more than once it has already happened that the instructor would notice my lips whispering “fuck fuck fuck” and come to my salvation, reminding me “it’s okay”….

I am not quitting this time, the benefits are too noticeable and too life changing for me to quit Yoga. I am quite amazed at how Yoga became an important part of my life. It is actually as active and dominant outside the classroom for me as it is inside. I am continuing to be pleasantly surprised, and more importantly, to make new self discoveries through Yoga.