Deux to Due: Beating My Contractions Anxiety

Almost there. Two days to my due date. It seems like it was only yesterday when I was sweating on the elliptical watching Barry Manilow singing Copaabana on a morning show, crying my eyes out because “I never knew how horribly sad the lyrics were”, or when I was frantically struggling to remove my nail polish for 30 minutes only to realize I was using rubbing alcohol rather than nail polish remover. Ach, the revelations of early pregnancy…

Almost there…although…  I’m still really enjoying the pregnancy. I’m still physically comfortable and absolutely relish in euphorically bonding with my baby girl via our belly games. I’m not even close to the “Get this baby out of me already” sensations. Combine that with my initial anxiety (on the verge of phobia) related to labor and delivery pain (AKA the Unknown) and realize the ridiculousness… (at least my ridiculousness is consistent). Now, how do I get from point A (not ready) to point B (ready)?

I’ve done it all…yoga, mastered breathing techniques, Lamaze class, auto-suggestion…you name it. I find it fascinating that logic hasn't been working too well as a preparation tool. I mean I've been fantasizing incessantly about the magical moment when I’ll be meeting my Lulu; feeling her against my skin, holding her, our beautiful creation, instantly discovering new definitions of marvel and love. And yet, I still find myself obsessing over the physical pain. It didn't help me to call it intense pressure/discomfort/waves of sensation. All I've been able to imagine is excruciating pain that my body wouldn't be able to handle. Yes, I know, of course my body can handle it, but remember? I’m consistently ridiculous.

But….something happened to me. A new thought came to me today while daydreaming about the gift we’re about to receive, infusing me with a confidently warm invitation to the most intense contractions- welcome, my dears! Come on in!

It was simple math (I’m pretty sure it’s actually physics or some other science, but please allow my preggo brain to use “simple math”): 

Do I want to meet her? Yes is a pathetic understatement.

How eager am I to reach that enchanted moment of becoming a mother? As eager as can be.

How many times have I envisioned those first moments? Countless! First moments of welcoming her into our world in almost disbelief that the same baby I’ve been growing, loving, feeding and getting to know inside my belly for all these months, that baby is now comforted on the outside of my belly. I can touch her, smell her, feel her and look at her. She’s here!

Well, not yet. She’s not here yet. Where was I? Simple math. Sorry, I got carried away…

My new thought was that each contraction is actually going to provide me with another step closer to meeting Lulu. Simple! Yes! Does she want to come out? Yes! Do I want to meet her? Yes! Well, then, all I have to do whenever I feel a contraction is remember that the pain is simply a reassuring sign that I am creating more room for Lulu to make her grand entrance!

I am now thrilled to welcome you, brilliant contractions! Join me in bringing Lulu into our world! Come on in! Create her path out to me, to us, to her new life!

Now………..let’s hope I maintain this bravery 
in 2…3…7 days, or whenever I’m introduced to my new allies, who from now on I decided to call… Contractors.

My First Pregnancy: Life, Art & the Art of Life

July 2012. I get cast in Dovid Meyer, a feature film, playing Elisheva, a woman whose world falls apart due to unbearable loss, but the new life growing inside her, among other miracles, leads her to new heights of happiness.

August 1st, 2012. One week before I pack my suitcases to go upstate New York and shoot that feature, I am feeling strange cramps and so I call my gynecologist. She urges me to take a pregnancy test as soon as possible….

My first chance to take a pregnancy test that day was at Greg’s office, where we were meeting in the evening to go see a show. Thank God we bought the 3 pack, as I ruined one test by peeing all over the stick (I still don’t quite know how to do it right, but we won’t get into that).  
A few minutes into exploring the intricacies of a pregnancy test, we found out that I….we….were PREGNANT!  What a marvelous moment…., finding out that our love had created a tiny seed of life that was going to become a person in just a few months. Pure magic! ("This, from sex?!!”, I heard myself screaming at the doctor during our first ultrasound). At the same time, we didn't expect it to happen so soon after deciding to start a family….and I was about to travel upstate to shoot a movie playing a PREGNANT woman! Craaazy!

I decided not to disclose my pregnancy on set…., which was quite challenging, but I didn't want the extra attention. I regretted it at times, especially every time I had to put on my fake pregnancy belly after a heavy lunch, but I kept my mouth shut. On day 7, morning sickness kicked in. Fun times, personally defined more like “All-Day-Except-for-Morning-Sickness”.  Please note that my not-morning sickness had a quite impressive work ethic: On my days off, I was rolling in bed, trying hard to read about early pregnancy symptoms, nauseous beyond belief, grossed out by most food (except for Friendship 2% cottage cheese, which was nowhere to be found in the area, but my knight in shining armor would appear in my hotel room every weekend with special deliveries from NYC.  I have the most amazing husband). On work days, I would be up and running, prepared for 5 am call times and very long days with no sign of nausea or exhaustion. Magic.

On December 9th my world fell apart. My dad passed away. Daddy’s girl lost her daddy. There were no tools for me to deal with the unbearable pain. I could not imagine a world without my Aba, without our special bond, our unique language that no one quite understood. I could not imagine a world where my kids, especially the one growing inside me, didn’t know their one-of-a-kind Saba. I could not contain the grief. It was the most traumatizing and agonizing experience of my life and at the same time, the most magical time of creating a life inside me. The polarity was indigestible. There were no answers to my questions. I was sad and angry. I refused to accept the loss of my dad and slowly I moved to what I call “half denial”: When sadness took over and the tears didn’t stop, I would tell myself that it didn’t really happen. I know it’s my defense mechanism, protecting myself because I’m pregnant, but it was the only way for me to cope through my pregnancy.
I was still in awe of my growing belly and the life inside me, but the magical euphoria of creation I was experiencing prior to December 9th was nowhere to be found. It was scary to feel like a different person. I couldn't find the inspired, naturally positive half-glass-full Liat, even though my incredibly supportive friends and family kept reminding me that she was still in there.

She indeed was. I rediscovered her once Lulu’s pronounced movements took over (Lulu=temporary name for our baby girl). I couldn’t help it. Every time I felt her gracefully dancing inside my belly, I found myself laughing with joy, overwhelmed by a warm wave of bliss. I became absolutely addicted to touching my belly, trying to recognize feet, legs, hands, knees…I saw the sun again, and I let it in. I’ve been letting it in ever since. There has been no other way.

It’s my dad’s birthday today, first birthday without him, and I’m almost 39 weeks pregnant. Our baby girl will be ready to come out any day now. She is the reason why I can smile today. She is the reason why my tears of sadness can easily turn to tears of joy. While shooting Dovid Meyer, I was so entertained by the coincidence of playing a pregnant woman while being very newly pregnant, but I could not imagine that months later, I would share a lot more than pregnancy with Elisheva, a woman whose world falls apart due to unbearable loss, but the new life growing inside her, among other miracles, leads her to new heights of happiness.

Can’t wait to meet my Lulu, our miracle of life!